Tuesday, October 26, 2004

Bus ride…..makes me think twice!!!

I quite don’t know what it is, with bus rides and me. Had a terrible experience when I took a bus from 'Bangalore' to my hometown last weekend. Bus was over loaded, smelly, seats far from comfortable, left 2 hours after schedule, was crammed with people sitting at my feet; extremely annoying. Few hours after the journey in the over crowded environment, the bus tilted half way down into a pothole and I absolutely panicked. That jilt woke up almost everyone on the bus. I sighed because nothing major happened, but could not sleep a wink all through my bus journey.

My extreme “bus-travel” paranoia started exactly 2 years ago I had a bus accident on I-95, a highway in USA, phew!!! Quite a n’mare that was. I had my forehead split (not quite into 2), but a deep gash that was mended by 9 stitches. Yes, for no fault of mine. The bus I was on, rammed into another one right onto its back side, ouch!!! It was a peaceful morning, journey was quiet. I was smiling to myself as I was lost in thoughts and was getting closer to destination NY. I was to meet up with a friend and her husband who I hadn’t seen in over 2 years.

Suddenly, the driver of the bus yells out “Oh my God, hold on”!!! I held on to my seats and wondered why he was screaming so. I could see that the bus was speeding and getting toward another bus, there was no stopping…Then in a few seconds it crashed into another…. guess he lost his brakes. Just like most accidents, this one was all over in a few seconds too. SIGH!!! I was thrown off my seat onto the aisle, but got right back on my feet to sit up. I felt some thing roll into my eyes and I wondered what it could be, so I placed my palm onto my forehead and froze for a minute. I could feel a split. My palm was completely drenched with my blood; it trickled down to my clothes; was a complete mess. I pulled out my hand mirror from my purse and looked straight at my gash, oh boy almost passed out as I could see a white layer beneath it and I freaked……..Was nothing other than my skull, brrrrrrrrrr……A chill ran down my spine. I could see black spots in front of my eyes and my palms got cold (both from fear). A passing thought – “Am I going to lose my sanity!?”

I sit there and think “Jeez, what am I going to tell my parents”?! Strange and completely inappropriate, but I couldn’t help myself from wondering how am I going to hide some thing as big as a gash on top of my face. Relaxed a bit when I figured out that it won’t be a few months before they actually see me (coz they were in India after all, and I wasn’t going home until it completely healed). That ridiculous thought apart, I needed to control the blood flow before I could start to feel faint. Right in time, arrived the fire brigadiers, cops and EMS. Quite a relief!!! The fire men handed me gauze and told me to put pressure on my wound so that the capillaries would close, hence controlling blood flow. They checked on everyone, got the alright ones out the window. The hurt few were given first aid, neck collars, gauze and whatever appropriate with respect to that passengers need of the moment. We were made to sit in the bus itself until they brought stretchers to get us moved. Dramatic…..like out of the movies. Only this was actually happening, and it was FOR REAL!!!

It was drizzling outside when they brought me out of the bus through one of the windows, all strapped up in the stretcher, with a neck brace and lots of gauze on my frontals. My luggage was some where in the boot of the bus, which I was worried sick about. I was holding on to my knapsack like it was my baby, as it had my passport, I-20, mobile phone, cash etc (all essentials basically). The fire men were trying hard to withdraw it from my hand and I refused to hand it over to them as I knew they would misplace it. After lots of reluctance, I handed it over to them, but not before grabbing my cell phone – any means of communication as all the phone numbers were stored away there. Thanks to the development of technology, my brain was dead; it couldn’t hold information such as phone numbers for example… “What’s the world coming to?” I remember thinking to myself.

Rain was falling on my face, I could not even wipe the drops off, as I all strapped up in the damn thing. They put me into one of those “EMS” ambulances. I felt safe inside, but to my awe there was some 16 year old teenager checking my BP, pulse and asking me some questions on “how I was feeling?” etc. I found out that they were indeed eligible to getting trained for “EMS”. Super cool, I thought to myself, but was scared if “first aid” could be handled by those “kids”?! There was some “Press” videoing the whole after accident episode. It actually came on news, but I obviously didn’t catch up with it.

While the “EMS kids” and I were making conversation in the moving ambulance, at the back of my head I was still digesting the whole “crash” event. Was hoping the vehicle that I was in, would make it in one piece. I was trembling from the thoughts of the poor driver whose seat needed to be sawed, in order to get him out. He suffered from multiple fractures from his hip down his feet. In my mind I could hear him repeatedly calling for help and yelping in pain. Poor chap, I thought. At the same time, was very angry for having let the bus on the roads, without having checked for brakes. Angry, scared and tired from the throbbing pain all at one time, I slightly drifted off, but was conscious.

We finally made it to the emergency room in a state hospital. Don’t quite know why they all it “emergency” service, as I was lying there for 3 hours before a doctor came to see me. The doctor inspected my gash and said “that’s not bad at all”. I said “huh?!” He said “you are lucky that although it’s a deep gash, it’s straight and not crooked”. I sighed and thought to myself “whatever, just please stitch me up”. He asked me routine questions and I answered them like a good patient. I also confirmed with him if that was my skull that he could see beneath my wound. And he said “yes, but don’t worry, we are going to take care of it”. I made sure a plastic surgeon was going to do up my forehead, so I could avoid unnecessary over-scarring. The doctor who investigated me left. He assured me that another consultant would come to finish what he had started. And so, I lay there waiting and cursing the “emergency” system.

In the mean while, I had informed my friend (thanks to my mobile), about the unfortunate accident and my whereabouts. She and her husband came to the hospital as soon as they could. She gave me a big hug making sure she didn’t hurt me while at it and said “Oh my God, after 2 years and look where I find you”. I let out a small laugh as everything hurt while I moved. She introduced me to her husband (*smiles* I know, it’s strange) and I sort of waved at him before smiling. They waited for me patiently until all my procedures were over. She asked the doctor a couple of questions too and was by my side when the surgeon arrived. She stayed on while he spoke to me and explained to me the step by step procedure of his performance. I agreed and asked him to continue but not before I said to him “Please be careful and don’t scar me too much, because my skin has a tendency for it”. He smiled and he said “I will do my best”. He was very careful indeed when he poured a solution into the gash to probably clean it up and then some thing to numb it. I felt a sharp pain and it left me burning for a few seconds. I could feel the needle sting with each and every single stitch, both in and out. After few minutes he said “almost there, good girl” and he sowed the last one. My friend was by my side through it all and he held my hand. She was pretty strong as she didn’t even flinch “brave girl” I thought to myself. Her husband waited outside anxiously, for us all to get out of there. “It’s a good thing he didn’t see the procedure” she said to me, “his tummy would have been topsy turvy”. We had one of our girl laughs at that as we slowly left the emergency room.

I was to go to a beach destination a few weeks from then and I wasn’t going to back out, especially because I had made all reservations. So, I asked the consultant and the nurse numerous questions; of course, got convincing replies to most of them. The nurse gave me tips on how to take care of it. We marched out carefully and were on our way back home. My luggage and bag was no where to be found, sigh….. and I knew it was going to be a long search. That’s another long story by itself!!!

Monday, October 18, 2004

The Soiltary Reaper

"Behold her, single in the field,
Yon solitary Highland Lass!
Reaping and singing by herself;
Stop here, or gently pass!
Alone she cuts and binds the grain,
And sings a melancholy strain;
O listen! for the Vale profound
Is overflowing with the sound.
No Nightingale did ever chaunt
More welcome notes to weary bands
Of travellers in some shady haunt,
Among Arabian sands:
A voice so thrilling ne'er was heard
In spring-time from the Cuckoo-bird,
Breaking the silence of the seas
Among the farthest Hebrides.
Will no one tell me what she sings?--
Perhaps the plaintive numbers flow
For old, unhappy, far-off things,
And battles long ago:
Or is it some more humble lay,
Familiar matter of to-day?
Some natural sorrow, loss, or pain,
That has been, and may be again?
Whate'er the theme, the Maiden sang
As if her song could have no ending;
I saw her singing at her work,
And o'er the sickle bending;--
I listened, motionless and still;
And, as I mounted up the hill,
The music in my heart I bore,
Long after it was heard no more"

- William Wordsworth

It was one of my fav. poems as I was growing up. Funny, how the words still chant in my mind and how it thrills my soul. So profound, yet so simple. Everytime I read it out loud, I wish I had written it!!! (more abt him, later...)

Sunday

Time to be lazy,
Time to be crazy,
Time for a stroll,
Time for a roll...

Orange juice n coffee,
Croissants n eggs,
Mmmm...What a way,
To start the day…

The Sunday times,
Chimes n rhymes,
Here n there,
Tethered everywhere...

Yawning,
Curling,
Cuddling,
All over again...

Warm sunshine,
After lunch time,
Stretching away,
Dreams are on...

Will be nice,
To have this day,
Paced out,
Spaced out…

Monday, October 11, 2004

Strange paths

Its funny when you think that your life is almost over and then some thing as new as the baby's breath comes along. Sigh!!! Oh so wonderful, and you dont even realize it until it is spelled out to you. Wondering how it happened, pondering over the unimaginable, but enjoying every moment whatsoever and feeling so right.

Confused at the new found path, like "the road not taken". Can explore and discover the surprises it has to offer or we can choose to ignore it and follow the usual path. Adventurous or laid back??? Whether or not we want to grab it, is totally unto us.

Do u believe in a superior power, a flow of energy that brings all the happenings on this earth and space together. I do?! At all moments good or bad, happy or sad, victory or loss...I believe, there is always momentum of energies bounding and making it work.

"Faith can move mountains, no matter how steep"

Taking one day at a time and crossing the bridge when it comes is a favour we can all do for ourselves. Getting beat up about "why did this have to happen to me" or "why me?" or "its always me?" are a few things we could afford to lose. Believe me, I ain't here to preach. If it works for me and makes me feel good to be alive, it could for you too.

Different paths cross our lives from time to time. Keep an open mind to follow one some time, you never know where its going to take you. Call it opportunities, window of hope/ faith, or some times even bad luck - who knows!!! Its a risk that we all take. Calculated risks are quite safe, dont you think?!

Sunday, October 10, 2004

Simple Q

Is every day ever a routine?

Do we want it to be the same!!!

Then

Will it be bore…

Will we ever grow…

*

What’s around the corner?

Do we really want to know!!!

Then

Will there be a compromise…

Will it ever be a surprise…

*

Bad things happen?

Accept it!!!

Then

No time to groan…

Life without mourn…

Its all coming back

Thrown back on the face, just when you think it’s all over. The bad memories, constant fear, growing pains, emotional blackmails, worries, the nagging feeling, nightmares...

What am I talking about??? Relate it to who ever makes you feel that bad.

Love and concern often share mixed feelings with power and control. Why do I say that? Well, when the full understanding of "love/concern" is not realized, it turns out to be an empowering emotion that can't be comprehended and thus takes into another shape (none other than control or power trip). It could further on to obsession or possessiveness, which could be far more hurtful.

There is one person in most cases (more than one, is some cases) in your life, who has left you with some kind of hard emotions that linger on…. Trying to get over it, work with it, is a wise thing to do, but its often easier said than done. Some how they/things are in your life and you got to deal with them!!!

Confronting- might help, but what if they refuse to understand?! What if the effect is like you are talking to a stone wall that can’t absorb anything?! At the end of what you thought was the most intelligent and logical conversation that you have ever made, what if that person hasn’t listened to a word of what you have said. Hearing it, maybe, but not understood the essence of it and goes back to square one. Same nagging tone and “you know nothing, just listen to me” attitude. Sigh!!! What then?!

Ignoring – works!!! But if you care about that person (in spite of all the trauma he/she has put you through) this method doesn’t work. Only end up hurting yourself again by feeling guilty.

Selfish – works well too!!! But then, we got to explain the art of being selfish which is nothing but “taking care of yourself”. Seldom do people define being selfish that way. Its got a whole negative concept to it and I don’t want to get into that right now.

Living with it – painful, depressing, self-pity etc. Totally unhealthy which makes you weak in the mind and start losing faith in yourself. Not good at all.

Fighting it- in a way that brings fruitful effects. It requires patience (explaining it time and again), perseverance to make it work, having an adult-adult conversation, reasoning, being positive, not letting energies down and strength to deal with it.

Well, it does get tiring at the end of the day. Sigh…and there it is, another day to go on living, to go on fighting and to go on dealing with it.

Thursday, October 07, 2004

Insomnia

Woman’s night they say,
It’s a ploy they play,
Boys with cash,
For the players to stash.

Drinks on the house,
Not much rouse,
But at the bar counter,
It was nice n super.

Music vibrating,
Hearts thumping,
Dancers swaying,
Feet moving to the beats.

Out of the blue,
The DJ flew,
Words that said,
Music will be dead.

Hearts so down,
But- noises at another,
Makes the feet wander,
Right to insomnia.

Moved around the floor,
Drank while not,
Cried out at blasphemy,
For mixing house n rock.

Then a change,
Music was sane,
Took the rhythm,
N danced all night…

Eerie

Lurking in the darkness,
Good and evil,
Thinking of the madness,
Birth and death.

Lights fade away,
Eerie is the night,
Wolves- prowl n howl away,
Until lights in sight.

Vamps searching for blood,
Drink to sustain,
Sapiens searching for dreams,
Food to move on.

In the graveyards,
Down the homes,
Night and day,
The search is on.